Day 1; Hour 12

I was never a breakfast in the morning kind of person. Skipping a meal until lunch never bothers me. I feel as normal as any other day, minus the desire to eat.

I’ve always loved food, and at the same time, I’ve always disliked it. Ten years ago, around the age of 16, I was able to eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted, with no noticeable side effects. As the years progressed, I began to notice how physically ill I would become after eating a meal. I won’t drag this out. Long story short, animal-based and artificial products were the reason why I began feeling physically ill. I speak only for myself, and this comes from what I’ve experienced.

Over the last 2 to 3 years, I have been making the transition towards a vegan diet. I’ve made a lot of progress this year in terms of completely letting go of my desires to eat animal-based foods and other junk. To be completely honest, it makes me a little sick just thinking about what I had been doing to myself for so many years. It’s not so much what I was consuming that bothered me, but rather how physically ill it made me afterwards that did. The after-effects progressively worsened as I got older, and at one point I said to myself that enough was enough. Having even just one meal out of the week that contained an animal-based product would leave me feeling ill into the next day and night.

I knew that my health was diminishing due to what I had been consuming, and this is the reason why I choose to be vegan. My body cannot tolerate most foods like it used to, and the satisfaction that I get from eating, what is presumably tasty, is not worth the physical illness. I am glad that I was aware enough to notice and research that the food I had been consuming was the cause of my discomfort.

With a vegan diet, all of my discomfort went away. I felt better and I was happier. I could eat 2 pounds of rice and vegetables and feel completely fine afterwards. On the other hand, eating any amount of an animal-based product would make me feel ill, and the effects would linger into the next day. Again, I speak only for myself and out of my own experience of what I’ve personally gone through and noticed. Animal-based foods and artificial products are not good for my physical and psychological well-being.

It’s been 13 hours thus far. I feel completely fine transitioning into the afternoon without the consumption of food or water. I’ve been here many times before and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just another day.

 

Day 0; Hour 0

I’ve gone through everything I own multiple times this evening. I don’t believe that I can get rid of anything more. Everything I currently own has a purpose, and I use all of it. I use all of my journals, I use my inks and pens for calligraphy, and I use my electronics and equipment to play and record music. I have my photo album of my family, my collection of amethyst, my statues representing my culture, my guitar, my clothes, I don’t believe I can get rid of anything more. Everything I have serves a purpose, and I cannot bring myself to let go of anything I have left. The only way for me to be rid of anything else is if I were to give my belongings to someone else. I would be okay with this only if I knew that that person would take care of whatever it is I gave to them. IMG_3990[1]

Every once in a while, I go through a few days of bringing myself down. These past few days were that time. I’ve made some decisions in the past that I’m not happy about, and so the negative feelings associated with the past just beat me down. It’s very difficult for me to get through. It’s a time where I just want to be left alone to think and focus on what I’m doing with myself. I like people, but I prefer not to be around anyone while I am in this state of mind. When I am in this state of mind, I can be very off putting, and I’m well aware of it. It’s not intentional, but it can’t be helped. I can put my issues aside if I have someone or something that needs my attention, however, as soon as I’m left alone, my mind takes over and draws me inward.

I know how to get better, that’s the important thing. Fasting is a simple solution and it has done more for me than I thought possible, but it requires a lot of human effort to get through. The only challenge is maintaining the heightened sense of well-being post-fast. This is where I struggle with it. In these times, for a few a days, when I’m battling myself psychologically, it makes it that much harder to want to proceed, with anything. As hard as it may be, I still know how to get better. Everything I need is here. The only constraint is the will to push beyond my comfort zone.

When I have nothing to keep me occupied, I’m constantly battling myself. It’s rather disappointing that this is what is concerning to me when there are millions of others in far worse situations. Thinking about how hard others may have it, makes my situation much less significant, and it is.

I remember a few years ago, during the middle of a semester, the hard drive on my school laptop died with no way to recover any of my data. I had 2-3 years of schoolwork, photos, projects and information all saved on that one hard drive. I was upset, but only for about an hour. Within that hour I thought to myself that losing everything I had on that hard drive does not compare to a family losing their home in a fire. As soon as I thought about that, my situation became insignificant. I immediately got to work on reworking papers and projects for that semester.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that my situations don’t matter. It could be far worse.

The Last Few Days

Over the last few days, I’ve been going through all of my belongings. Every 6 months or so, I take the time to go through everything that I own. I’d like to keep as little as possible, but as I be rid of my belongings, it becomes more difficult to let go of certain things. I don’t need some of the materials I own, but in my mind, I want to keep them because they are one of a kind, and I will never be able to acquire them ever again. Photos, theater tickets, cards, special gifts, those are the things I hold onto because they have meaning behind them. Everything else, I could do without.

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There is nothing wrong with obtaining material things, but most of it doesn’t do anything for me. Owning things or having more money doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t satisfy or make me any happier. Things are nice to have, but the joy of having something new quickly wears off after a short while. At the end of the day, none of it will leave me feeling satisfied in any way. It’s one of the reasons why I choose to go through this process and be rid of what I can.

Money is necessary. Its needed to keep a roof over my head, to be able to purchase food, and other essentials, but it has never been and never will be the most important thing to strive for. It’s only a tool.

I have money. I can purchase things If I wanted and be okay, but I choose not to spend needlessly because there’s nothing I want. I will admit and say that I’ve made a few unnecessary purchases here and there over the last few years, and much more so when I was in my teens. I’m not 100% guilt-free of buying needlessly, but I’m aware of it enough to the point where I will continue to be self-critical about the things I purchase and question myself, is this something I really need? The answer will be no, every time.

I don’t know what I am trying to get at, but hopefully I will be able to cut down on what I currently own. It does become more difficult each time I go through through this process.

 

The question is, How?

How am I going to get myself out of this? That is the question. I know how to experience great highs, but I also experience great lows. My past mistakes keep me down whenever they are in thought and it takes my focus away from everything else going on in the present.

I don’t have anyone I would willingly turn to for advice about my internal struggles. I don’t have any close friends that I would be open to talk to, and my family has never been the most supportive in helping me with my issues. I’ve always had to dig myself out of the hole, and at this point in my life, it’s the only way I prefer to do it.

Fasting is the only thing that has ever helped me to become better than I was. In the past, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons. Reasons that were the most important and that meant the world to me, but really I was doing it to numb the pain of what would eventually result in me pushing away the only ones that ever really mattered.

I am selfish, I admit, but every day I continue to push myself towards becoming a better person. I don’t believe that I am a bad person, I simply made poor decisions during times where I was pushed to my absolute limits. I’ve dealt and been patient with the stressors for years until I finally reached a breaking point and said, I’ve had enough. Does that make me selfish? I believe so, but I have my limits. There is only so much that I am able to tolerate until it becomes physically or psychologically harmful to my well-being. That is why I believed I had to move on.

The outcomes are what they are, and from time to time I am still finding myself struggling with the decisions I’ve made. I don’t have any regrets, because after these situations occurred, I really felt like I had no one else. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes out of being alone. It helps me to evaluate myself and discover what really matters to me. It also helps me to clearly see who out there really has my best interest as I have theirs. I desire nothing more than to seek a greater and deeper understanding of who I am as a human being. I believe that when I can reach a greater level of self-understanding, then I can be more effective at helping and being there for others.

I’m 26 years old. I assume that others around my age are out there enjoying life without a care in the world, while I’m here trying to search for meaning within myself that I may never find. However, before anything else happens, this has to be overcome. Am I wasting my time? Maybe, but nothing will take my focus away from it, not until some limit is broken.

 

Nulla

I’ve said this many times before, spending too much time alone can be a dangerous thing.

I’ve been struggling these last 24 hours. It seems like my mistakes of the past will forever haunt me. The persons involved were not at fault. It was the fault of my own. I’m a human being, and I’m imperfect. I’ve made mistakes due to my blindness and inability to keep myself in check. I’m angry at nobody, other than myself.

Thoughts about my past mistakes physically and psychologically drain me. I keep asking myself, just what will it take for me to be able to truly let go and move on? I don’t know. When my mind takes me back to the past, everything else I do in the present starts to lose its meaning. I lose all of my motivation and begin to question myself what I’m doing.

Life isn’t hard, but living with my mistakes is. I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to figure out, but I’m constantly searching for an answer. I’m not searching for it out there in the world, I’m searching for it within myself. I want answers to otherwise unanswerable questions. I question if I’m wasting my time, but my desire to search for an answer is too great.

Throughout all my life, even up until now, I’ve only had myself to look to for support in dealing with my internal struggles. So many times throughout my life, I’ve always wished I had close friends that I could talk to, and family that would help me to overcome these hurdles. It hurts just thinking about it.

I believe the only way to move on from this is to fight it on my own. No amount of support from others will give me any peace at mind. I’m sure many people in the world have had successes moving on from their internal struggles by acquiring social and family support, but for me, and I speak only for myself, gaining support from others would only be a temporary fix. I am the only one that can get to the very core of my internal struggles.

My desire to figure things out on my own gives me great focus. I evaluate and dissect everything that goes through my mind in hopes of finding anything that will give me peace at mind. I’m not depressed. I only wish to understand why my state of being is affected to such an extent by my past mistakes and what it would take for me to be able to move on. I already have an idea, but that is an even greater challenge.

2 Days + 8 Hours; 56 Hours

Today is my 26th birthday. Last night, I went to go visit my parents, and I chose to have dinner with them. I still feel great coming off what I’ve done over the last week overall. I am quickly becoming physically and psychologically accustomed to eating 1-2 meals every few days.

In these last 56 hours, my body has felt completely normal, better than normal actually. I experienced no weakness, no lightheadedness, and no stomach pains whatsoever. I’ve been able to go about my days without a single thought of food while feeling great. It’s been very easy and enjoyable.

Fasting has always been a habit of mine for about 3 years. Before I started writing online, I would fast for a few days, or however long, and then consume food regularly for the same amount of time, if not longer, before I started again. However, I am enjoying how things are going now. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, this is the first time in which I’ve given myself a much shorter window for the consumption of food. A 12 hour window in between 100 hours and then another 56 hours. I know I can keep this up, so long as I am consuming what my body needs within the 12 hours that I give myself. This doesn’t mean eating as much as I possibly can, it means eating clean nutrient dense food.

I’ll have a small breakfast this morning and finish up what’s left of the frozen raspberries I have in my freezer. At 8 am I begin again, and then go for however long I comfortably can. I expect my body to become even more accustomed with the way I’ve been doing things this past week. I am curious to see how things continue to develop as time goes on.

 

2 Days; 48 Hours – Realization

I have felt incredible these last 24 hours. Since I’ve started, the feeling of happiness has continued to grow in intensity. I cannot make my smile go away. I went out yesterday evening after my shift at work. I went to the park, I played my guitar, I went to go see a film, and I picked up a few things at the market. I had a smile on my face that entire evening. I went to bed happy, and I woke up continuing to feel great. I haven’t felt any physical weakness at all. I cannot explain what I am feeling. I just feel incredible. It’s like nothing else matters, except for what I’m doing right now, in the present.

In my mind, I kept saying to myself, “I figured it out.” I figured out the one way that I can truly make myself happy. I don’t need anything else because there is nothing else that would be able to grant me what I’ve achieved on my own. All that’s left is to experience what I can with the world.

The one challenge is maintaining this heightened state of well-being. So many times in the past, I would be able to reach this level of euphoria, but it would quickly dissipate. I know exactly why that is, but that will be a post for the another time.

In the last week or so, I’ve fasted for 100 hours. I had a window of 12 hours to eat, and then started fasting again exactly 48 hours ago. I’ve had experience fasting for a few years now, but this is the first time that I’ve fasted with such a short break in between for food.

I’ve had a goal to fast for 25 days. It has been a goal of mine for 3 years, but it wasn’t until now where I’ve started to realize that it’s not necessary to go for such a length of time. I’ve achieved the same state of well-being that I’ve felt in 200 hours 2 years ago. There is no need to put myself in danger with a fast that is longer than 21 days. Twenty-one days is my cutoff point for the time being. If I get there, I get there. If not, it’s okay, because I’ll still feel great.

I won’t say to myself that 25 days will never happen. It might at some point in the future, but for now, I can finally put that long lost goal aside, and start enjoying myself truly.

I will write again tomorrow.