Day 3; Hour 60

I woke up this morning feeling a slight weakness throughout my body. It’s noon now, and physically I feel close to how I normally would. I haven’t felt any aches or hunger pains yet. I’ve only felt a slight weakness in my thighs, but that feeling has subsided.

I’m in a good place right now. Psychologically, I am feeling much better about myself. I intentionally think about some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. Even though things didn’t turn out as I would have liked, and felt like it was all my fault, the negative feelings associated with those decisions are not having an impact on my well-being. The outcomes are what they are, and I choose to accept them and move on.

It’s this state of being that I enjoy being in. It makes life easier to bear. It makes dealing with my own issues and thoughts that much easier to overcome. It makes everything I do more enjoyable. It helps me to recognize the fun and the good in every moment that I experience. At the same time, it helps me combat my environment in terms of negativity.

Not everything is good in the world, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. I certainly understand this, and I am guilty of showing my off putting behavior. Sometimes I can’t help it. When my mind is so entrenched between my ears, it’s difficult for me to snap out of it and pay attention to the people around me.

This process makes me a better person. It improves my state of well-being in all aspects, both physically and psychologically. Even with the short amount of time, my well-being begins to improve well within the first 2 days. The beneficial effects come more quickly nowadays because I have had experience doing this for about 3 years. During my second year of practice, it would take upwards of 5 or 6 days to feel as good as I do now. My body has grown used to it.

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I started carrying my stainless steel water bottle with me. It says “contigo” on it. In Spanish, it means “with you.”

Day 1; Hour 21

It’s been a good evening. I received a gift today. It’s the first time anyone has ever made me a gift. On the surface it may not seem like much, but the simple act of someone taking the time out of their day to make this, for me, means much more than anyone will understand.

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In the past, I’ve always put the time into the people I cared about. I put in the time because I wanted to, not because I ever felt I had to. Looking back at things now, I believe that I gave too much of myself. I gave myself over because I wanted to, and because I wanted to, it really required no effort on my part. It was easy, but overtime, I wasn’t feeling like I was being reciprocated with.

I didn’t want anything except to be acknowledged for my efforts, and to believe that someone actually cared about me for a change. I didn’t think much of it during those years, but thinking about it now, it seemed very one sided. I was having so much fun, that I was blind to all of the little things stacking up against me. Needless to say, I had to move on. My psychological and emotional self took much more of a beating than I could handle, and in the end, I had to call it quits.

I’ve often heard that one should never give up, but I have my limits, and everyone does. Depending on how I look at things, I could say that I was selfish about my decisions, but to that I say, I’m human, and I’m imperfect. I should have been more aware of things from the very beginning, but now I know what to look for in the future.

It’s been 22 hours since I’ve last consumed food or water. Despite me reflecting on the negatives of my past, I am beginning to feel better. By the end of 72 hours, I’ll feel right as rain.

Day 0; Hour 0

I’ve gone through everything I own multiple times this evening. I don’t believe that I can get rid of anything more. Everything I currently own has a purpose, and I use all of it. I use all of my journals, I use my inks and pens for calligraphy, and I use my electronics and equipment to play and record music. I have my photo album of my family, my collection of amethyst, my statues representing my culture, my guitar, my clothes, I don’t believe I can get rid of anything more. Everything I have serves a purpose, and I cannot bring myself to let go of anything I have left. The only way for me to be rid of anything else is if I were to give my belongings to someone else. I would be okay with this only if I knew that that person would take care of whatever it is I gave to them. IMG_3990[1]

Every once in a while, I go through a few days of bringing myself down. These past few days were that time. I’ve made some decisions in the past that I’m not happy about, and so the negative feelings associated with the past just beat me down. It’s very difficult for me to get through. It’s a time where I just want to be left alone to think and focus on what I’m doing with myself. I like people, but I prefer not to be around anyone while I am in this state of mind. When I am in this state of mind, I can be very off putting, and I’m well aware of it. It’s not intentional, but it can’t be helped. I can put my issues aside if I have someone or something that needs my attention, however, as soon as I’m left alone, my mind takes over and draws me inward.

I know how to get better, that’s the important thing. Fasting is a simple solution and it has done more for me than I thought possible, but it requires a lot of human effort to get through. The only challenge is maintaining the heightened sense of well-being post-fast. This is where I struggle with it. In these times, for a few a days, when I’m battling myself psychologically, it makes it that much harder to want to proceed, with anything. As hard as it may be, I still know how to get better. Everything I need is here. The only constraint is the will to push beyond my comfort zone.

When I have nothing to keep me occupied, I’m constantly battling myself. It’s rather disappointing that this is what is concerning to me when there are millions of others in far worse situations. Thinking about how hard others may have it, makes my situation much less significant, and it is.

I remember a few years ago, during the middle of a semester, the hard drive on my school laptop died with no way to recover any of my data. I had 2-3 years of schoolwork, photos, projects and information all saved on that one hard drive. I was upset, but only for about an hour. Within that hour I thought to myself that losing everything I had on that hard drive does not compare to a family losing their home in a fire. As soon as I thought about that, my situation became insignificant. I immediately got to work on reworking papers and projects for that semester.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that my situations don’t matter. It could be far worse.

The question is, How?

How am I going to get myself out of this? That is the question. I know how to experience great highs, but I also experience great lows. My past mistakes keep me down whenever they are in thought and it takes my focus away from everything else going on in the present.

I don’t have anyone I would willingly turn to for advice about my internal struggles. I don’t have any close friends that I would be open to talk to, and my family has never been the most supportive in helping me with my issues. I’ve always had to dig myself out of the hole, and at this point in my life, it’s the only way I prefer to do it.

Fasting is the only thing that has ever helped me to become better than I was. In the past, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons. Reasons that were the most important and that meant the world to me, but really I was doing it to numb the pain of what would eventually result in me pushing away the only ones that ever really mattered.

I am selfish, I admit, but every day I continue to push myself towards becoming a better person. I don’t believe that I am a bad person, I simply made poor decisions during times where I was pushed to my absolute limits. I’ve dealt and been patient with the stressors for years until I finally reached a breaking point and said, I’ve had enough. Does that make me selfish? I believe so, but I have my limits. There is only so much that I am able to tolerate until it becomes physically or psychologically harmful to my well-being. That is why I believed I had to move on.

The outcomes are what they are, and from time to time I am still finding myself struggling with the decisions I’ve made. I don’t have any regrets, because after these situations occurred, I really felt like I had no one else. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes out of being alone. It helps me to evaluate myself and discover what really matters to me. It also helps me to clearly see who out there really has my best interest as I have theirs. I desire nothing more than to seek a greater and deeper understanding of who I am as a human being. I believe that when I can reach a greater level of self-understanding, then I can be more effective at helping and being there for others.

I’m 26 years old. I assume that others around my age are out there enjoying life without a care in the world, while I’m here trying to search for meaning within myself that I may never find. However, before anything else happens, this has to be overcome. Am I wasting my time? Maybe, but nothing will take my focus away from it, not until some limit is broken.

 

Being Human

There are so many questions that I have about life, about myself, and about the world that we all live in. My intent is to share my thoughts to those who think and reflect in similar ways as I do. Also, to connect and share what experiences we’ve had throughout our lives that have helped to make us better human beings.

For the last three years, I have had an intense desire to understand myself and the world around me. There are several questions that I have asked myself over, and over again. What does it mean to be a human being? How can I become a better human being? What is the purpose of life? What is my purpose in life? What is love? What is happiness? Why do I experience emotional pain and suffering? What is the cause? How can I achieve the best version of myself? What sacrifices or changes do I need to make? There are so many more questions that I ask myself that will come out over time as I continue to write.

A few days ago, I had a sleepless night. I thought about the mistakes that I have made involving the two most important persons in my life. To make things short, I ended up hurting them both which ultimately led me to my own pain and suffering. Since then, I have frequently wondered why things didn’t turn out the way I expected, but I already knew why. It was because I wanted too much. I wanted more for myself than I wanted for them. I wanted companionship, someone to share my thoughts with, to share experiences with, to learn and live life together. It made me happy, at least that is what I thought. Things were great at their peak, and things were also not so great at their lowest. Whatever side of the spectrum we were on at the time, I thought only of myself and I what I wanted. I never even bothered to ask what they wanted. In the end, my own self-interests caused us all pain and suffering, and it was nobody else’s fault except my own.

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How much is too much? I don’t know the answer. All I know is that these experiences has led me down a path to understand myself better. To understand my strengths, my weaknesses, and what I need to do to become a better human being for those around me. Life is not about me and what I want, not anymore. At this point in time, life is about doing what is best for the sake of others. I do what I can now to remain self-aware in that the actions I take are not for the purpose of self-gain. Looking back at every action I’ve made out of my own self-interest has always led me to some form of pain and suffering. There is no lying in that I still want all of the meaningful things in life, but it’s become clear that a lot of what I’ve ever wanted has led to pain and suffering for everyone involved. Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, but then what lessons will I have learned if it never happened?

I turn 26 on the 20th this month. I’m still young and I have so much more to learn. Making mistakes is a part of life, and facing myself on daily basis is a constant challenge. My intent is to share my own thoughts and experiences with anyone reading this, and to know of your own experiences and learning outcomes. Whatever my post has made you think about, I’d like to know about it.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.