2 Days; Hour 48

Automotive just isn’t for me anymore. With the month of August, I intended to work to make a little extra money on the side for when Grad starts again on the 28th. I worked at school for the months of June and July this year just so I can be away from home for a summer.

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I started working again yesterday. Every break and summer I had off from school, I would be here working on cars. I’ve been working in automotive since 2007. I haven’t worked here since last summer, and I don’t miss the work one bit. I’ve been saying to myself all day, “This just isn’t for me anymore.” I almost broke my nose after being forced in an awkward position to get a component loose. I hit the bone, heard a crack-like sound, and that was it. I took  few moments to massage the bridge of my nose with my fingers, and luckily nothing was broken or bruised. It hurt like hell. Now it only hurts when I make a face as if I just smelt something really bad. Thankfully, nothing serious happened.

Automotive is a great job to have while I’m still young and short of a job, but it will never be my career of choice, not anymore.

When I was younger, I enjoyed learning how things worked. I enjoyed taking things apart with my bare hands. Overtime, my body was starting to wear, and I said to myself that I wouldn’t be able to do this for the rest of my life.

As soon as I graduated with my bachelors in automotive business management, I went into grad school. I am working towards earning my masters in college student services administration.

I was an RA and a building administrator at my 4-year school. I enjoyed working with students. I enjoyed being able to provide them support, and to be the pair of ears they needed when no one else would listen. I enjoyed what I did because it allowed me to support students when they needed someone. I only wish I had someone that I could turn to when I needed them. I believe that that is part of the reason why I enjoy being a part of higher education. I believe that I am giving someone something I only wish I had, and that’s giving them someone to be there for them, myself.

The challenge was helping students realize their own realizations. I would never give them advice, unless they directly asked for it. I would listen to them, and ask the right questions at the right time so that they could formulate their own conclusions. I believe it’s the only way for them to grow and learn from their own experiences. Some days I will be straightforward and brutally honest, if I deem it necessary. Sometimes they just need to be pushed. I’ve seen many students grow over the course of their semesters. Many of which have come back to me to say their farewells before their graduation day. It’s a good feeling to know I’ve had an impact on someone’s life. I may never see most of them again, but in that moment of time when I had them, the time spent was well worth my efforts.

I’m glad to be who I am today. Although I’ve always believed that I had no one to turn to when I needed it most, it has all made me a stronger person. It makes me stronger in ways that allow me to bring others up when they are feeling down. Even though I still struggle with my own past, I can put it aside when someone else needs my attention.

It’s been 48 hours, and I feel fine. Even though I’ve been working my tail off these past 2 days fixing cars for 8 hours a day, I feel good. I feel better. However, I can’t keep this up, and I know that, not while fasting. I want one thing, which is to fast, but I also believe that I could use the extra money for when school starts. I have money for school, but I’d like to increase the amount of financial cushion I have for future in case of an emergency.

I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I believe that fasting is more important for me at this moment in time, and it may be the only time that I have left to do it.

1 Day; Hour 24

It’s been 24 hours since I’ve consumed anything. Today has been better than yesterday, but I’m still deep in the hole. It’s interesting being a human being. I often think about, and ask myself, “Why do I feel the way that I do about certain things? Why does it even matter? It really shouldn’t.” Sometimes I wish things didn’t bother me to such an extent, but I’m only human. The idea of being unwanted, being unimportant, and being forgotten pushes me down further and further, but I know that I must kick myself back into reality because I’m the only one that will. It just takes time and commitment to the healing process, which in my case, is fasting.

I often wonder why my mind works the way that it does, and I wonder how many others think in a similar way. I believe I operate the way that I do because I spend all of my time alone, by myself. I’m rather glad that this is my case because I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me feel better. I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. From my experiences, the outside attention was great, but the relief was only temporary. As soon as I’m left alone, my mind starts to do battle. I believe the only way to dig myself out of my mind is to face it alone.

As low as I can make myself feel, and as dark as my mind can get, I always turn to fasting to better myself. Fasting forces me to slow down, and it forces me to become more aware of myself. It allows me to appreciate what I’m doing in the moment, and at the same time, it allows me to move on from the negative of my past. It’s a feeling I genuinely miss because there is nothing else like it. The physical process itself is easy. The only difficult part is waiting for time to pass. I only wish to reach what I’ve felt in the past to share what it’s like with others.

I’m slowly, but surely, digging my way out. Today was a good start. It’s only a matter of staying the course, being patient, and allowing the process to take over. Things can only get better from here. Yesterday was as low as it could have gotten, and my mind could not have thought of anything worse. I’ve dealt with the exact same feelings and thoughts 10 years ago when I was 16. I got myself out of it then, and I’m determined to get myself out of it today.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

In The Hole

I was never a fan of being a part of the internet. I only just got back onto social media in January this year. My time on social media hasn’t been very long, and I am finding that it does not do anything for me. It doesn’t make me feel better about myself. It doesn’t add any real value to my life. It only makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong when everyone else seems to be having the time of their lives. It’s no wonder I left it all once before.

I understand that its easy to paint a picture on social media, to make it seem like I know or have everything figured out, but I don’t. I still deal with my own struggles and mistakes that nobody else will ever understand. Facebook and instagram only provide temporary relief.

I know how to get better, and I’ve always known what I needed to do. Technology and social media have been keeping me away from doing what I’ve been trying to do for nearly 3 years, and that’s becoming a better human being. Technology and social media cannot provide me the means that will make me a better person. It’s only a distraction, and it has always been at every point in my life.

Technology is not all at fault for my unhappiness. I blame myself for becoming too comfortable with the lifestyle I’ve been provided for all my life. My parents have always worked to provide for my family. All they asked was that we go to school and get good grades, and to do what we wanted to pursue in life. They have always given me a free pass to avoid doing everything I didn’t want to, and they are so quick to take any and every opportunity to provide me with something that I didn’t ask for. A lot of times I’ve said to them, “Don’t get it for me, I don’t want it.” I’ve given them a hard time a lot when I was younger. Looking back at how I was, I wish I could go back as me now and beat some sense into myself. I know my parents wouldn’t.

I’ve wished so many times that they were harder on me, but they can never be, simply because I’m their first child, and their son. I’ve sought out, difficult, hard labor jobs just to know what it was like to work hard. I used to cut open 50 pound bags of onions, dump them onto a conveyor belt, hand pick the bad ones, bag the good ones, and stack them onto palettes for shipping. I would do this for 6-8 hours a day. It’s very monotonous and physically tiring. All I wanted to do after work was go home, eat, and sleep. I’m not sure what this says about me, when I have the need to seek out this kind of work. Sitting at a desk does not count as work to me.

I’ve had a great opportunity in life, given by my parents, and I am unhappy that I’m struggling to find any sort of meaning behind everything I do. Not long ago, I thought I had meaning and purpose. I had people I cared about greatly, and I would have done anything for them. I ended up parting ways with both of them because I was pushed to the edge. I was pushed psychologically, and it was beginning to take a toll on my overall well-being. I felt like I couldn’t bear it any longer. By my own doing, I’ve hurt them both and myself. Even though I thought I was sparing them and myself the trouble, I’ve continued to suffer inside ever since. I was selfish. They were the only 2 persons I’ve ever cared about, and there’s nothing I can do to make things right again. Now, I have no one that will help me from myself.

All my life I’ve been the only one to dig myself out an emotional hole, and nothing has changed. Even with the two that I’ve lost, I was always the therapist, and not the patient. I do believe that everything I’m dealing with now, must be dealt with on my own. I believe it’s the only way to truly get out of what I’m dealing with, and for me to get better. Any support from others or distractions won’t alleviate a thing for me. It sounds bad, but I believe that any outside support would only be a temporary fix. Which is why I must endure and break this cycle of suffering on my own.

I’m disappointed that this is what life has become for me. An endless loop of self-defeating thoughts by the mistakes I’ve made at the fault of my own actions.

I’m in the hole, and I’ve only myself to blame.

Day 3; Hour 60

I woke up this morning feeling a slight weakness throughout my body. It’s noon now, and physically I feel close to how I normally would. I haven’t felt any aches or hunger pains yet. I’ve only felt a slight weakness in my thighs, but that feeling has subsided.

I’m in a good place right now. Psychologically, I am feeling much better about myself. I intentionally think about some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. Even though things didn’t turn out as I would have liked, and felt like it was all my fault, the negative feelings associated with those decisions are not having an impact on my well-being. The outcomes are what they are, and I choose to accept them and move on.

It’s this state of being that I enjoy being in. It makes life easier to bear. It makes dealing with my own issues and thoughts that much easier to overcome. It makes everything I do more enjoyable. It helps me to recognize the fun and the good in every moment that I experience. At the same time, it helps me combat my environment in terms of negativity.

Not everything is good in the world, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. I certainly understand this, and I am guilty of showing my off putting behavior. Sometimes I can’t help it. When my mind is so entrenched between my ears, it’s difficult for me to snap out of it and pay attention to the people around me.

This process makes me a better person. It improves my state of well-being in all aspects, both physically and psychologically. Even with the short amount of time, my well-being begins to improve well within the first 2 days. The beneficial effects come more quickly nowadays because I have had experience doing this for about 3 years. During my second year of practice, it would take upwards of 5 or 6 days to feel as good as I do now. My body has grown used to it.

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I started carrying my stainless steel water bottle with me. It says “contigo” on it. In Spanish, it means “with you.”

Day 2; Hour 48

It’s been 48 hours now. I am only just beginning to experience that empty stomach feeling. Surprisingly, no hunger pains yet. Physically, I still feel normal. I still feel like I have the energy to do what I need to. I haven’t been lightheaded at all moving around today. Psychologically, I feel calm and at ease. I’m wondering what I have that I could complain about, and I can’t think of anything. I really have nothing to complain about, but my mind likes to play games with me.

It’s been fairly easy these past 48 hours. My mind hasn’t thought about food at all. I could eat, but I won’t, simply because I don’t feel the need to. More often than not, I eat because I desire to, not because I need to.

Food, and its ease of access, is a dangerous thing for me. For more than 15 years I’ve gotten comfortable living a certain way, and as a result my health was beginning to deteriorate in my early 20’s. Making the transition towards becoming a vegan was only natural, and fasting is a good way for me to maintain self-control. This applies not only to what I choose to eat and how much, but it also applies to every other aspect of my life.

 

 

Day 2; Hour 36

It’s been 36 hours now since I’ve consumed food or water. I haven’t had any hunger pains thus far. Physically, I feel perfectly fine. I feel that I have plenty of energy to go about my day as normal. Psychologically, I’m feeling better and more at ease than I have been over the past 4 to 5 days. I just feel calm. I can’t describe it any other way.

I cannot recall what exactly led me to fasting. Whenever I was dealing with myself or something stressful, I would fast to make my days easier to bear. Fasting makes me feel good. It slows me down and puts me in a positive state of mind.

Nobody that I know or have met agrees with what I do to myself, but it’s something I enjoy doing. It puts me in a more natural state of being. By this, I mean a state of being without the thoughts and distractions that plague my mind which ultimately reduce my quality of life. I’ve experienced a better version of myself 2 years ago after fasting for 200 hours. It all seemed unreal, but the state of being I achieved at the time improved my well-being dramatically.

Fasting has been the only thing that has ever truly given me the comfort and confidence to move forward in life. It makes me smile, it puts me in a good mood, and it allows me to find joy in everything I do. It’s only day 2, and 36 hours is not enough time to truly experience what I’ve felt in the past. What I described will only intensify as time progresses, and only if I can find the will and strength to push myself moving forward.