2 Days; Hour 48

Automotive just isn’t for me anymore. With the month of August, I intended to work to make a little extra money on the side for when Grad starts again on the 28th. I worked at school for the months of June and July this year just so I can be away from home for a summer.

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I started working again yesterday. Every break and summer I had off from school, I would be here working on cars. I’ve been working in automotive since 2007. I haven’t worked here since last summer, and I don’t miss the work one bit. I’ve been saying to myself all day, “This just isn’t for me anymore.” I almost broke my nose after being forced in an awkward position to get a component loose. I hit the bone, heard a crack-like sound, and that was it. I took  few moments to massage the bridge of my nose with my fingers, and luckily nothing was broken or bruised. It hurt like hell. Now it only hurts when I make a face as if I just smelt something really bad. Thankfully, nothing serious happened.

Automotive is a great job to have while I’m still young and short of a job, but it will never be my career of choice, not anymore.

When I was younger, I enjoyed learning how things worked. I enjoyed taking things apart with my bare hands. Overtime, my body was starting to wear, and I said to myself that I wouldn’t be able to do this for the rest of my life.

As soon as I graduated with my bachelors in automotive business management, I went into grad school. I am working towards earning my masters in college student services administration.

I was an RA and a building administrator at my 4-year school. I enjoyed working with students. I enjoyed being able to provide them support, and to be the pair of ears they needed when no one else would listen. I enjoyed what I did because it allowed me to support students when they needed someone. I only wish I had someone that I could turn to when I needed them. I believe that that is part of the reason why I enjoy being a part of higher education. I believe that I am giving someone something I only wish I had, and that’s giving them someone to be there for them, myself.

The challenge was helping students realize their own realizations. I would never give them advice, unless they directly asked for it. I would listen to them, and ask the right questions at the right time so that they could formulate their own conclusions. I believe it’s the only way for them to grow and learn from their own experiences. Some days I will be straightforward and brutally honest, if I deem it necessary. Sometimes they just need to be pushed. I’ve seen many students grow over the course of their semesters. Many of which have come back to me to say their farewells before their graduation day. It’s a good feeling to know I’ve had an impact on someone’s life. I may never see most of them again, but in that moment of time when I had them, the time spent was well worth my efforts.

I’m glad to be who I am today. Although I’ve always believed that I had no one to turn to when I needed it most, it has all made me a stronger person. It makes me stronger in ways that allow me to bring others up when they are feeling down. Even though I still struggle with my own past, I can put it aside when someone else needs my attention.

It’s been 48 hours, and I feel fine. Even though I’ve been working my tail off these past 2 days fixing cars for 8 hours a day, I feel good. I feel better. However, I can’t keep this up, and I know that, not while fasting. I want one thing, which is to fast, but I also believe that I could use the extra money for when school starts. I have money for school, but I’d like to increase the amount of financial cushion I have for future in case of an emergency.

I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I believe that fasting is more important for me at this moment in time, and it may be the only time that I have left to do it.

Day 2; Hour 36

It’s been 36 hours now since I’ve consumed food or water. I haven’t had any hunger pains thus far. Physically, I feel perfectly fine. I feel that I have plenty of energy to go about my day as normal. Psychologically, I’m feeling better and more at ease than I have been over the past 4 to 5 days. I just feel calm. I can’t describe it any other way.

I cannot recall what exactly led me to fasting. Whenever I was dealing with myself or something stressful, I would fast to make my days easier to bear. Fasting makes me feel good. It slows me down and puts me in a positive state of mind.

Nobody that I know or have met agrees with what I do to myself, but it’s something I enjoy doing. It puts me in a more natural state of being. By this, I mean a state of being without the thoughts and distractions that plague my mind which ultimately reduce my quality of life. I’ve experienced a better version of myself 2 years ago after fasting for 200 hours. It all seemed unreal, but the state of being I achieved at the time improved my well-being dramatically.

Fasting has been the only thing that has ever truly given me the comfort and confidence to move forward in life. It makes me smile, it puts me in a good mood, and it allows me to find joy in everything I do. It’s only day 2, and 36 hours is not enough time to truly experience what I’ve felt in the past. What I described will only intensify as time progresses, and only if I can find the will and strength to push myself moving forward.

Day 1; Hour 21

It’s been a good evening. I received a gift today. It’s the first time anyone has ever made me a gift. On the surface it may not seem like much, but the simple act of someone taking the time out of their day to make this, for me, means much more than anyone will understand.

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In the past, I’ve always put the time into the people I cared about. I put in the time because I wanted to, not because I ever felt I had to. Looking back at things now, I believe that I gave too much of myself. I gave myself over because I wanted to, and because I wanted to, it really required no effort on my part. It was easy, but overtime, I wasn’t feeling like I was being reciprocated with.

I didn’t want anything except to be acknowledged for my efforts, and to believe that someone actually cared about me for a change. I didn’t think much of it during those years, but thinking about it now, it seemed very one sided. I was having so much fun, that I was blind to all of the little things stacking up against me. Needless to say, I had to move on. My psychological and emotional self took much more of a beating than I could handle, and in the end, I had to call it quits.

I’ve often heard that one should never give up, but I have my limits, and everyone does. Depending on how I look at things, I could say that I was selfish about my decisions, but to that I say, I’m human, and I’m imperfect. I should have been more aware of things from the very beginning, but now I know what to look for in the future.

It’s been 22 hours since I’ve last consumed food or water. Despite me reflecting on the negatives of my past, I am beginning to feel better. By the end of 72 hours, I’ll feel right as rain.

Day 1; Hour 12

I was never a breakfast in the morning kind of person. Skipping a meal until lunch never bothers me. I feel as normal as any other day, minus the desire to eat.

I’ve always loved food, and at the same time, I’ve always disliked it. Ten years ago, around the age of 16, I was able to eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted, with no noticeable side effects. As the years progressed, I began to notice how physically ill I would become after eating a meal. I won’t drag this out. Long story short, animal-based and artificial products were the reason why I began feeling physically ill. I speak only for myself, and this comes from what I’ve experienced.

Over the last 2 to 3 years, I have been making the transition towards a vegan diet. I’ve made a lot of progress this year in terms of completely letting go of my desires to eat animal-based foods and other junk. To be completely honest, it makes me a little sick just thinking about what I had been doing to myself for so many years. It’s not so much what I was consuming that bothered me, but rather how physically ill it made me afterwards that did. The after-effects progressively worsened as I got older, and at one point I said to myself that enough was enough. Having even just one meal out of the week that contained an animal-based product would leave me feeling ill into the next day and night.

I knew that my health was diminishing due to what I had been consuming, and this is the reason why I choose to be vegan. My body cannot tolerate most foods like it used to, and the satisfaction that I get from eating, what is presumably tasty, is not worth the physical illness. I am glad that I was aware enough to notice and research that the food I had been consuming was the cause of my discomfort.

With a vegan diet, all of my discomfort went away. I felt better and I was happier. I could eat 2 pounds of rice and vegetables and feel completely fine afterwards. On the other hand, eating any amount of an animal-based product would make me feel ill, and the effects would linger into the next day. Again, I speak only for myself and out of my own experience of what I’ve personally gone through and noticed. Animal-based foods and artificial products are not good for my physical and psychological well-being.

It’s been 13 hours thus far. I feel completely fine transitioning into the afternoon without the consumption of food or water. I’ve been here many times before and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just another day.

 

Day 0; Hour 0

I’ve gone through everything I own multiple times this evening. I don’t believe that I can get rid of anything more. Everything I currently own has a purpose, and I use all of it. I use all of my journals, I use my inks and pens for calligraphy, and I use my electronics and equipment to play and record music. I have my photo album of my family, my collection of amethyst, my statues representing my culture, my guitar, my clothes, I don’t believe I can get rid of anything more. Everything I have serves a purpose, and I cannot bring myself to let go of anything I have left. The only way for me to be rid of anything else is if I were to give my belongings to someone else. I would be okay with this only if I knew that that person would take care of whatever it is I gave to them. IMG_3990[1]

Every once in a while, I go through a few days of bringing myself down. These past few days were that time. I’ve made some decisions in the past that I’m not happy about, and so the negative feelings associated with the past just beat me down. It’s very difficult for me to get through. It’s a time where I just want to be left alone to think and focus on what I’m doing with myself. I like people, but I prefer not to be around anyone while I am in this state of mind. When I am in this state of mind, I can be very off putting, and I’m well aware of it. It’s not intentional, but it can’t be helped. I can put my issues aside if I have someone or something that needs my attention, however, as soon as I’m left alone, my mind takes over and draws me inward.

I know how to get better, that’s the important thing. Fasting is a simple solution and it has done more for me than I thought possible, but it requires a lot of human effort to get through. The only challenge is maintaining the heightened sense of well-being post-fast. This is where I struggle with it. In these times, for a few a days, when I’m battling myself psychologically, it makes it that much harder to want to proceed, with anything. As hard as it may be, I still know how to get better. Everything I need is here. The only constraint is the will to push beyond my comfort zone.

When I have nothing to keep me occupied, I’m constantly battling myself. It’s rather disappointing that this is what is concerning to me when there are millions of others in far worse situations. Thinking about how hard others may have it, makes my situation much less significant, and it is.

I remember a few years ago, during the middle of a semester, the hard drive on my school laptop died with no way to recover any of my data. I had 2-3 years of schoolwork, photos, projects and information all saved on that one hard drive. I was upset, but only for about an hour. Within that hour I thought to myself that losing everything I had on that hard drive does not compare to a family losing their home in a fire. As soon as I thought about that, my situation became insignificant. I immediately got to work on reworking papers and projects for that semester.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that my situations don’t matter. It could be far worse.

The Last Few Days

Over the last few days, I’ve been going through all of my belongings. Every 6 months or so, I take the time to go through everything that I own. I’d like to keep as little as possible, but as I be rid of my belongings, it becomes more difficult to let go of certain things. I don’t need some of the materials I own, but in my mind, I want to keep them because they are one of a kind, and I will never be able to acquire them ever again. Photos, theater tickets, cards, special gifts, those are the things I hold onto because they have meaning behind them. Everything else, I could do without.

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There is nothing wrong with obtaining material things, but most of it doesn’t do anything for me. Owning things or having more money doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t satisfy or make me any happier. Things are nice to have, but the joy of having something new quickly wears off after a short while. At the end of the day, none of it will leave me feeling satisfied in any way. It’s one of the reasons why I choose to go through this process and be rid of what I can.

Money is necessary. Its needed to keep a roof over my head, to be able to purchase food, and other essentials, but it has never been and never will be the most important thing to strive for. It’s only a tool.

I have money. I can purchase things If I wanted and be okay, but I choose not to spend needlessly because there’s nothing I want. I will admit and say that I’ve made a few unnecessary purchases here and there over the last few years, and much more so when I was in my teens. I’m not 100% guilt-free of buying needlessly, but I’m aware of it enough to the point where I will continue to be self-critical about the things I purchase and question myself, is this something I really need? The answer will be no, every time.

I don’t know what I am trying to get at, but hopefully I will be able to cut down on what I currently own. It does become more difficult each time I go through through this process.

 

The question is, How?

How am I going to get myself out of this? That is the question. I know how to experience great highs, but I also experience great lows. My past mistakes keep me down whenever they are in thought and it takes my focus away from everything else going on in the present.

I don’t have anyone I would willingly turn to for advice about my internal struggles. I don’t have any close friends that I would be open to talk to, and my family has never been the most supportive in helping me with my issues. I’ve always had to dig myself out of the hole, and at this point in my life, it’s the only way I prefer to do it.

Fasting is the only thing that has ever helped me to become better than I was. In the past, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons. Reasons that were the most important and that meant the world to me, but really I was doing it to numb the pain of what would eventually result in me pushing away the only ones that ever really mattered.

I am selfish, I admit, but every day I continue to push myself towards becoming a better person. I don’t believe that I am a bad person, I simply made poor decisions during times where I was pushed to my absolute limits. I’ve dealt and been patient with the stressors for years until I finally reached a breaking point and said, I’ve had enough. Does that make me selfish? I believe so, but I have my limits. There is only so much that I am able to tolerate until it becomes physically or psychologically harmful to my well-being. That is why I believed I had to move on.

The outcomes are what they are, and from time to time I am still finding myself struggling with the decisions I’ve made. I don’t have any regrets, because after these situations occurred, I really felt like I had no one else. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes out of being alone. It helps me to evaluate myself and discover what really matters to me. It also helps me to clearly see who out there really has my best interest as I have theirs. I desire nothing more than to seek a greater and deeper understanding of who I am as a human being. I believe that when I can reach a greater level of self-understanding, then I can be more effective at helping and being there for others.

I’m 26 years old. I assume that others around my age are out there enjoying life without a care in the world, while I’m here trying to search for meaning within myself that I may never find. However, before anything else happens, this has to be overcome. Am I wasting my time? Maybe, but nothing will take my focus away from it, not until some limit is broken.