It’s been 24 hours since I’ve consumed anything. Today has been better than yesterday, but I’m still deep in the hole. It’s interesting being a human being. I often think about, and ask myself, “Why do I feel the way that I do about certain things? Why does it even matter? It really shouldn’t.” Sometimes I wish things didn’t bother me to such an extent, but I’m only human. The idea of being unwanted, being unimportant, and being forgotten pushes me down further and further, but I know that I must kick myself back into reality because I’m the only one that will. It just takes time and commitment to the healing process, which in my case, is fasting.
I often wonder why my mind works the way that it does, and I wonder how many others think in a similar way. I believe I operate the way that I do because I spend all of my time alone, by myself. I’m rather glad that this is my case because I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me feel better. I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. From my experiences, the outside attention was great, but the relief was only temporary. As soon as I’m left alone, my mind starts to do battle. I believe the only way to dig myself out of my mind is to face it alone.
As low as I can make myself feel, and as dark as my mind can get, I always turn to fasting to better myself. Fasting forces me to slow down, and it forces me to become more aware of myself. It allows me to appreciate what I’m doing in the moment, and at the same time, it allows me to move on from the negative of my past. It’s a feeling I genuinely miss because there is nothing else like it. The physical process itself is easy. The only difficult part is waiting for time to pass. I only wish to reach what I’ve felt in the past to share what it’s like with others.
I’m slowly, but surely, digging my way out. Today was a good start. It’s only a matter of staying the course, being patient, and allowing the process to take over. Things can only get better from here. Yesterday was as low as it could have gotten, and my mind could not have thought of anything worse. I’ve dealt with the exact same feelings and thoughts 10 years ago when I was 16. I got myself out of it then, and I’m determined to get myself out of it today.
Thank you for taking the time to read.