1 Day; Hour 24

It’s been 24 hours since I’ve consumed anything. Today has been better than yesterday, but I’m still deep in the hole. It’s interesting being a human being. I often think about, and ask myself, “Why do I feel the way that I do about certain things? Why does it even matter? It really shouldn’t.” Sometimes I wish things didn’t bother me to such an extent, but I’m only human. The idea of being unwanted, being unimportant, and being forgotten pushes me down further and further, but I know that I must kick myself back into reality because I’m the only one that will. It just takes time and commitment to the healing process, which in my case, is fasting.

I often wonder why my mind works the way that it does, and I wonder how many others think in a similar way. I believe I operate the way that I do because I spend all of my time alone, by myself. I’m rather glad that this is my case because I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me feel better. I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. From my experiences, the outside attention was great, but the relief was only temporary. As soon as I’m left alone, my mind starts to do battle. I believe the only way to dig myself out of my mind is to face it alone.

As low as I can make myself feel, and as dark as my mind can get, I always turn to fasting to better myself. Fasting forces me to slow down, and it forces me to become more aware of myself. It allows me to appreciate what I’m doing in the moment, and at the same time, it allows me to move on from the negative of my past. It’s a feeling I genuinely miss because there is nothing else like it. The physical process itself is easy. The only difficult part is waiting for time to pass. I only wish to reach what I’ve felt in the past to share what it’s like with others.

I’m slowly, but surely, digging my way out. Today was a good start. It’s only a matter of staying the course, being patient, and allowing the process to take over. Things can only get better from here. Yesterday was as low as it could have gotten, and my mind could not have thought of anything worse. I’ve dealt with the exact same feelings and thoughts 10 years ago when I was 16. I got myself out of it then, and I’m determined to get myself out of it today.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

In The Hole

I was never a fan of being a part of the internet. I only just got back onto social media in January this year. My time on social media hasn’t been very long, and I am finding that it does not do anything for me. It doesn’t make me feel better about myself. It doesn’t add any real value to my life. It only makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong when everyone else seems to be having the time of their lives. It’s no wonder I left it all once before.

I understand that its easy to paint a picture on social media, to make it seem like I know or have everything figured out, but I don’t. I still deal with my own struggles and mistakes that nobody else will ever understand. Facebook and instagram only provide temporary relief.

I know how to get better, and I’ve always known what I needed to do. Technology and social media have been keeping me away from doing what I’ve been trying to do for nearly 3 years, and that’s becoming a better human being. Technology and social media cannot provide me the means that will make me a better person. It’s only a distraction, and it has always been at every point in my life.

Technology is not all at fault for my unhappiness. I blame myself for becoming too comfortable with the lifestyle I’ve been provided for all my life. My parents have always worked to provide for my family. All they asked was that we go to school and get good grades, and to do what we wanted to pursue in life. They have always given me a free pass to avoid doing everything I didn’t want to, and they are so quick to take any and every opportunity to provide me with something that I didn’t ask for. A lot of times I’ve said to them, “Don’t get it for me, I don’t want it.” I’ve given them a hard time a lot when I was younger. Looking back at how I was, I wish I could go back as me now and beat some sense into myself. I know my parents wouldn’t.

I’ve wished so many times that they were harder on me, but they can never be, simply because I’m their first child, and their son. I’ve sought out, difficult, hard labor jobs just to know what it was like to work hard. I used to cut open 50 pound bags of onions, dump them onto a conveyor belt, hand pick the bad ones, bag the good ones, and stack them onto palettes for shipping. I would do this for 6-8 hours a day. It’s very monotonous and physically tiring. All I wanted to do after work was go home, eat, and sleep. I’m not sure what this says about me, when I have the need to seek out this kind of work. Sitting at a desk does not count as work to me.

I’ve had a great opportunity in life, given by my parents, and I am unhappy that I’m struggling to find any sort of meaning behind everything I do. Not long ago, I thought I had meaning and purpose. I had people I cared about greatly, and I would have done anything for them. I ended up parting ways with both of them because I was pushed to the edge. I was pushed psychologically, and it was beginning to take a toll on my overall well-being. I felt like I couldn’t bear it any longer. By my own doing, I’ve hurt them both and myself. Even though I thought I was sparing them and myself the trouble, I’ve continued to suffer inside ever since. I was selfish. They were the only 2 persons I’ve ever cared about, and there’s nothing I can do to make things right again. Now, I have no one that will help me from myself.

All my life I’ve been the only one to dig myself out an emotional hole, and nothing has changed. Even with the two that I’ve lost, I was always the therapist, and not the patient. I do believe that everything I’m dealing with now, must be dealt with on my own. I believe it’s the only way to truly get out of what I’m dealing with, and for me to get better. Any support from others or distractions won’t alleviate a thing for me. It sounds bad, but I believe that any outside support would only be a temporary fix. Which is why I must endure and break this cycle of suffering on my own.

I’m disappointed that this is what life has become for me. An endless loop of self-defeating thoughts by the mistakes I’ve made at the fault of my own actions.

I’m in the hole, and I’ve only myself to blame.

Day 3; Hour 60

I woke up this morning feeling a slight weakness throughout my body. It’s noon now, and physically I feel close to how I normally would. I haven’t felt any aches or hunger pains yet. I’ve only felt a slight weakness in my thighs, but that feeling has subsided.

I’m in a good place right now. Psychologically, I am feeling much better about myself. I intentionally think about some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. Even though things didn’t turn out as I would have liked, and felt like it was all my fault, the negative feelings associated with those decisions are not having an impact on my well-being. The outcomes are what they are, and I choose to accept them and move on.

It’s this state of being that I enjoy being in. It makes life easier to bear. It makes dealing with my own issues and thoughts that much easier to overcome. It makes everything I do more enjoyable. It helps me to recognize the fun and the good in every moment that I experience. At the same time, it helps me combat my environment in terms of negativity.

Not everything is good in the world, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. I certainly understand this, and I am guilty of showing my off putting behavior. Sometimes I can’t help it. When my mind is so entrenched between my ears, it’s difficult for me to snap out of it and pay attention to the people around me.

This process makes me a better person. It improves my state of well-being in all aspects, both physically and psychologically. Even with the short amount of time, my well-being begins to improve well within the first 2 days. The beneficial effects come more quickly nowadays because I have had experience doing this for about 3 years. During my second year of practice, it would take upwards of 5 or 6 days to feel as good as I do now. My body has grown used to it.

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I started carrying my stainless steel water bottle with me. It says “contigo” on it. In Spanish, it means “with you.”

Day 1; Hour 21

It’s been a good evening. I received a gift today. It’s the first time anyone has ever made me a gift. On the surface it may not seem like much, but the simple act of someone taking the time out of their day to make this, for me, means much more than anyone will understand.

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In the past, I’ve always put the time into the people I cared about. I put in the time because I wanted to, not because I ever felt I had to. Looking back at things now, I believe that I gave too much of myself. I gave myself over because I wanted to, and because I wanted to, it really required no effort on my part. It was easy, but overtime, I wasn’t feeling like I was being reciprocated with.

I didn’t want anything except to be acknowledged for my efforts, and to believe that someone actually cared about me for a change. I didn’t think much of it during those years, but thinking about it now, it seemed very one sided. I was having so much fun, that I was blind to all of the little things stacking up against me. Needless to say, I had to move on. My psychological and emotional self took much more of a beating than I could handle, and in the end, I had to call it quits.

I’ve often heard that one should never give up, but I have my limits, and everyone does. Depending on how I look at things, I could say that I was selfish about my decisions, but to that I say, I’m human, and I’m imperfect. I should have been more aware of things from the very beginning, but now I know what to look for in the future.

It’s been 22 hours since I’ve last consumed food or water. Despite me reflecting on the negatives of my past, I am beginning to feel better. By the end of 72 hours, I’ll feel right as rain.

The question is, How?

How am I going to get myself out of this? That is the question. I know how to experience great highs, but I also experience great lows. My past mistakes keep me down whenever they are in thought and it takes my focus away from everything else going on in the present.

I don’t have anyone I would willingly turn to for advice about my internal struggles. I don’t have any close friends that I would be open to talk to, and my family has never been the most supportive in helping me with my issues. I’ve always had to dig myself out of the hole, and at this point in my life, it’s the only way I prefer to do it.

Fasting is the only thing that has ever helped me to become better than I was. In the past, I thought I was doing it all for the right reasons. Reasons that were the most important and that meant the world to me, but really I was doing it to numb the pain of what would eventually result in me pushing away the only ones that ever really mattered.

I am selfish, I admit, but every day I continue to push myself towards becoming a better person. I don’t believe that I am a bad person, I simply made poor decisions during times where I was pushed to my absolute limits. I’ve dealt and been patient with the stressors for years until I finally reached a breaking point and said, I’ve had enough. Does that make me selfish? I believe so, but I have my limits. There is only so much that I am able to tolerate until it becomes physically or psychologically harmful to my well-being. That is why I believed I had to move on.

The outcomes are what they are, and from time to time I am still finding myself struggling with the decisions I’ve made. I don’t have any regrets, because after these situations occurred, I really felt like I had no one else. I believe that there is a lot of good that comes out of being alone. It helps me to evaluate myself and discover what really matters to me. It also helps me to clearly see who out there really has my best interest as I have theirs. I desire nothing more than to seek a greater and deeper understanding of who I am as a human being. I believe that when I can reach a greater level of self-understanding, then I can be more effective at helping and being there for others.

I’m 26 years old. I assume that others around my age are out there enjoying life without a care in the world, while I’m here trying to search for meaning within myself that I may never find. However, before anything else happens, this has to be overcome. Am I wasting my time? Maybe, but nothing will take my focus away from it, not until some limit is broken.

 

Nulla

I’ve said this many times before, spending too much time alone can be a dangerous thing.

I’ve been struggling these last 24 hours. It seems like my mistakes of the past will forever haunt me. The persons involved were not at fault. It was the fault of my own. I’m a human being, and I’m imperfect. I’ve made mistakes due to my blindness and inability to keep myself in check. I’m angry at nobody, other than myself.

Thoughts about my past mistakes physically and psychologically drain me. I keep asking myself, just what will it take for me to be able to truly let go and move on? I don’t know. When my mind takes me back to the past, everything else I do in the present starts to lose its meaning. I lose all of my motivation and begin to question myself what I’m doing.

Life isn’t hard, but living with my mistakes is. I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to figure out, but I’m constantly searching for an answer. I’m not searching for it out there in the world, I’m searching for it within myself. I want answers to otherwise unanswerable questions. I question if I’m wasting my time, but my desire to search for an answer is too great.

Throughout all my life, even up until now, I’ve only had myself to look to for support in dealing with my internal struggles. So many times throughout my life, I’ve always wished I had close friends that I could talk to, and family that would help me to overcome these hurdles. It hurts just thinking about it.

I believe the only way to move on from this is to fight it on my own. No amount of support from others will give me any peace at mind. I’m sure many people in the world have had successes moving on from their internal struggles by acquiring social and family support, but for me, and I speak only for myself, gaining support from others would only be a temporary fix. I am the only one that can get to the very core of my internal struggles.

My desire to figure things out on my own gives me great focus. I evaluate and dissect everything that goes through my mind in hopes of finding anything that will give me peace at mind. I’m not depressed. I only wish to understand why my state of being is affected to such an extent by my past mistakes and what it would take for me to be able to move on. I already have an idea, but that is an even greater challenge.

Being Human

There are so many questions that I have about life, about myself, and about the world that we all live in. My intent is to share my thoughts to those who think and reflect in similar ways as I do. Also, to connect and share what experiences we’ve had throughout our lives that have helped to make us better human beings.

For the last three years, I have had an intense desire to understand myself and the world around me. There are several questions that I have asked myself over, and over again. What does it mean to be a human being? How can I become a better human being? What is the purpose of life? What is my purpose in life? What is love? What is happiness? Why do I experience emotional pain and suffering? What is the cause? How can I achieve the best version of myself? What sacrifices or changes do I need to make? There are so many more questions that I ask myself that will come out over time as I continue to write.

A few days ago, I had a sleepless night. I thought about the mistakes that I have made involving the two most important persons in my life. To make things short, I ended up hurting them both which ultimately led me to my own pain and suffering. Since then, I have frequently wondered why things didn’t turn out the way I expected, but I already knew why. It was because I wanted too much. I wanted more for myself than I wanted for them. I wanted companionship, someone to share my thoughts with, to share experiences with, to learn and live life together. It made me happy, at least that is what I thought. Things were great at their peak, and things were also not so great at their lowest. Whatever side of the spectrum we were on at the time, I thought only of myself and I what I wanted. I never even bothered to ask what they wanted. In the end, my own self-interests caused us all pain and suffering, and it was nobody else’s fault except my own.

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How much is too much? I don’t know the answer. All I know is that these experiences has led me down a path to understand myself better. To understand my strengths, my weaknesses, and what I need to do to become a better human being for those around me. Life is not about me and what I want, not anymore. At this point in time, life is about doing what is best for the sake of others. I do what I can now to remain self-aware in that the actions I take are not for the purpose of self-gain. Looking back at every action I’ve made out of my own self-interest has always led me to some form of pain and suffering. There is no lying in that I still want all of the meaningful things in life, but it’s become clear that a lot of what I’ve ever wanted has led to pain and suffering for everyone involved. Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, but then what lessons will I have learned if it never happened?

I turn 26 on the 20th this month. I’m still young and I have so much more to learn. Making mistakes is a part of life, and facing myself on daily basis is a constant challenge. My intent is to share my own thoughts and experiences with anyone reading this, and to know of your own experiences and learning outcomes. Whatever my post has made you think about, I’d like to know about it.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.