2 Days; Hour 48

Automotive just isn’t for me anymore. With the month of August, I intended to work to make a little extra money on the side for when Grad starts again on the 28th. I worked at school for the months of June and July this year just so I can be away from home for a summer.

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I started working again yesterday. Every break and summer I had off from school, I would be here working on cars. I’ve been working in automotive since 2007. I haven’t worked here since last summer, and I don’t miss the work one bit. I’ve been saying to myself all day, “This just isn’t for me anymore.” I almost broke my nose after being forced in an awkward position to get a component loose. I hit the bone, heard a crack-like sound, and that was it. I took  few moments to massage the bridge of my nose with my fingers, and luckily nothing was broken or bruised. It hurt like hell. Now it only hurts when I make a face as if I just smelt something really bad. Thankfully, nothing serious happened.

Automotive is a great job to have while I’m still young and short of a job, but it will never be my career of choice, not anymore.

When I was younger, I enjoyed learning how things worked. I enjoyed taking things apart with my bare hands. Overtime, my body was starting to wear, and I said to myself that I wouldn’t be able to do this for the rest of my life.

As soon as I graduated with my bachelors in automotive business management, I went into grad school. I am working towards earning my masters in college student services administration.

I was an RA and a building administrator at my 4-year school. I enjoyed working with students. I enjoyed being able to provide them support, and to be the pair of ears they needed when no one else would listen. I enjoyed what I did because it allowed me to support students when they needed someone. I only wish I had someone that I could turn to when I needed them. I believe that that is part of the reason why I enjoy being a part of higher education. I believe that I am giving someone something I only wish I had, and that’s giving them someone to be there for them, myself.

The challenge was helping students realize their own realizations. I would never give them advice, unless they directly asked for it. I would listen to them, and ask the right questions at the right time so that they could formulate their own conclusions. I believe it’s the only way for them to grow and learn from their own experiences. Some days I will be straightforward and brutally honest, if I deem it necessary. Sometimes they just need to be pushed. I’ve seen many students grow over the course of their semesters. Many of which have come back to me to say their farewells before their graduation day. It’s a good feeling to know I’ve had an impact on someone’s life. I may never see most of them again, but in that moment of time when I had them, the time spent was well worth my efforts.

I’m glad to be who I am today. Although I’ve always believed that I had no one to turn to when I needed it most, it has all made me a stronger person. It makes me stronger in ways that allow me to bring others up when they are feeling down. Even though I still struggle with my own past, I can put it aside when someone else needs my attention.

It’s been 48 hours, and I feel fine. Even though I’ve been working my tail off these past 2 days fixing cars for 8 hours a day, I feel good. I feel better. However, I can’t keep this up, and I know that, not while fasting. I want one thing, which is to fast, but I also believe that I could use the extra money for when school starts. I have money for school, but I’d like to increase the amount of financial cushion I have for future in case of an emergency.

I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I believe that fasting is more important for me at this moment in time, and it may be the only time that I have left to do it.

1 Day; Hour 24

It’s been 24 hours since I’ve consumed anything. Today has been better than yesterday, but I’m still deep in the hole. It’s interesting being a human being. I often think about, and ask myself, “Why do I feel the way that I do about certain things? Why does it even matter? It really shouldn’t.” Sometimes I wish things didn’t bother me to such an extent, but I’m only human. The idea of being unwanted, being unimportant, and being forgotten pushes me down further and further, but I know that I must kick myself back into reality because I’m the only one that will. It just takes time and commitment to the healing process, which in my case, is fasting.

I often wonder why my mind works the way that it does, and I wonder how many others think in a similar way. I believe I operate the way that I do because I spend all of my time alone, by myself. I’m rather glad that this is my case because I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me feel better. I don’t like the idea of relying on someone else to make me happy. From my experiences, the outside attention was great, but the relief was only temporary. As soon as I’m left alone, my mind starts to do battle. I believe the only way to dig myself out of my mind is to face it alone.

As low as I can make myself feel, and as dark as my mind can get, I always turn to fasting to better myself. Fasting forces me to slow down, and it forces me to become more aware of myself. It allows me to appreciate what I’m doing in the moment, and at the same time, it allows me to move on from the negative of my past. It’s a feeling I genuinely miss because there is nothing else like it. The physical process itself is easy. The only difficult part is waiting for time to pass. I only wish to reach what I’ve felt in the past to share what it’s like with others.

I’m slowly, but surely, digging my way out. Today was a good start. It’s only a matter of staying the course, being patient, and allowing the process to take over. Things can only get better from here. Yesterday was as low as it could have gotten, and my mind could not have thought of anything worse. I’ve dealt with the exact same feelings and thoughts 10 years ago when I was 16. I got myself out of it then, and I’m determined to get myself out of it today.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Day 3; Hour 60

I woke up this morning feeling a slight weakness throughout my body. It’s noon now, and physically I feel close to how I normally would. I haven’t felt any aches or hunger pains yet. I’ve only felt a slight weakness in my thighs, but that feeling has subsided.

I’m in a good place right now. Psychologically, I am feeling much better about myself. I intentionally think about some of the decisions I’ve made in the past. Even though things didn’t turn out as I would have liked, and felt like it was all my fault, the negative feelings associated with those decisions are not having an impact on my well-being. The outcomes are what they are, and I choose to accept them and move on.

It’s this state of being that I enjoy being in. It makes life easier to bear. It makes dealing with my own issues and thoughts that much easier to overcome. It makes everything I do more enjoyable. It helps me to recognize the fun and the good in every moment that I experience. At the same time, it helps me combat my environment in terms of negativity.

Not everything is good in the world, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood. I certainly understand this, and I am guilty of showing my off putting behavior. Sometimes I can’t help it. When my mind is so entrenched between my ears, it’s difficult for me to snap out of it and pay attention to the people around me.

This process makes me a better person. It improves my state of well-being in all aspects, both physically and psychologically. Even with the short amount of time, my well-being begins to improve well within the first 2 days. The beneficial effects come more quickly nowadays because I have had experience doing this for about 3 years. During my second year of practice, it would take upwards of 5 or 6 days to feel as good as I do now. My body has grown used to it.

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I started carrying my stainless steel water bottle with me. It says “contigo” on it. In Spanish, it means “with you.”

Day 2; Hour 48

It’s been 48 hours now. I am only just beginning to experience that empty stomach feeling. Surprisingly, no hunger pains yet. Physically, I still feel normal. I still feel like I have the energy to do what I need to. I haven’t been lightheaded at all moving around today. Psychologically, I feel calm and at ease. I’m wondering what I have that I could complain about, and I can’t think of anything. I really have nothing to complain about, but my mind likes to play games with me.

It’s been fairly easy these past 48 hours. My mind hasn’t thought about food at all. I could eat, but I won’t, simply because I don’t feel the need to. More often than not, I eat because I desire to, not because I need to.

Food, and its ease of access, is a dangerous thing for me. For more than 15 years I’ve gotten comfortable living a certain way, and as a result my health was beginning to deteriorate in my early 20’s. Making the transition towards becoming a vegan was only natural, and fasting is a good way for me to maintain self-control. This applies not only to what I choose to eat and how much, but it also applies to every other aspect of my life.

 

 

Day 2; Hour 36

It’s been 36 hours now since I’ve consumed food or water. I haven’t had any hunger pains thus far. Physically, I feel perfectly fine. I feel that I have plenty of energy to go about my day as normal. Psychologically, I’m feeling better and more at ease than I have been over the past 4 to 5 days. I just feel calm. I can’t describe it any other way.

I cannot recall what exactly led me to fasting. Whenever I was dealing with myself or something stressful, I would fast to make my days easier to bear. Fasting makes me feel good. It slows me down and puts me in a positive state of mind.

Nobody that I know or have met agrees with what I do to myself, but it’s something I enjoy doing. It puts me in a more natural state of being. By this, I mean a state of being without the thoughts and distractions that plague my mind which ultimately reduce my quality of life. I’ve experienced a better version of myself 2 years ago after fasting for 200 hours. It all seemed unreal, but the state of being I achieved at the time improved my well-being dramatically.

Fasting has been the only thing that has ever truly given me the comfort and confidence to move forward in life. It makes me smile, it puts me in a good mood, and it allows me to find joy in everything I do. It’s only day 2, and 36 hours is not enough time to truly experience what I’ve felt in the past. What I described will only intensify as time progresses, and only if I can find the will and strength to push myself moving forward.

Day 1; Hour 21

It’s been a good evening. I received a gift today. It’s the first time anyone has ever made me a gift. On the surface it may not seem like much, but the simple act of someone taking the time out of their day to make this, for me, means much more than anyone will understand.

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In the past, I’ve always put the time into the people I cared about. I put in the time because I wanted to, not because I ever felt I had to. Looking back at things now, I believe that I gave too much of myself. I gave myself over because I wanted to, and because I wanted to, it really required no effort on my part. It was easy, but overtime, I wasn’t feeling like I was being reciprocated with.

I didn’t want anything except to be acknowledged for my efforts, and to believe that someone actually cared about me for a change. I didn’t think much of it during those years, but thinking about it now, it seemed very one sided. I was having so much fun, that I was blind to all of the little things stacking up against me. Needless to say, I had to move on. My psychological and emotional self took much more of a beating than I could handle, and in the end, I had to call it quits.

I’ve often heard that one should never give up, but I have my limits, and everyone does. Depending on how I look at things, I could say that I was selfish about my decisions, but to that I say, I’m human, and I’m imperfect. I should have been more aware of things from the very beginning, but now I know what to look for in the future.

It’s been 22 hours since I’ve last consumed food or water. Despite me reflecting on the negatives of my past, I am beginning to feel better. By the end of 72 hours, I’ll feel right as rain.

Day 1; Hour 12

I was never a breakfast in the morning kind of person. Skipping a meal until lunch never bothers me. I feel as normal as any other day, minus the desire to eat.

I’ve always loved food, and at the same time, I’ve always disliked it. Ten years ago, around the age of 16, I was able to eat what I wanted, whenever I wanted, with no noticeable side effects. As the years progressed, I began to notice how physically ill I would become after eating a meal. I won’t drag this out. Long story short, animal-based and artificial products were the reason why I began feeling physically ill. I speak only for myself, and this comes from what I’ve experienced.

Over the last 2 to 3 years, I have been making the transition towards a vegan diet. I’ve made a lot of progress this year in terms of completely letting go of my desires to eat animal-based foods and other junk. To be completely honest, it makes me a little sick just thinking about what I had been doing to myself for so many years. It’s not so much what I was consuming that bothered me, but rather how physically ill it made me afterwards that did. The after-effects progressively worsened as I got older, and at one point I said to myself that enough was enough. Having even just one meal out of the week that contained an animal-based product would leave me feeling ill into the next day and night.

I knew that my health was diminishing due to what I had been consuming, and this is the reason why I choose to be vegan. My body cannot tolerate most foods like it used to, and the satisfaction that I get from eating, what is presumably tasty, is not worth the physical illness. I am glad that I was aware enough to notice and research that the food I had been consuming was the cause of my discomfort.

With a vegan diet, all of my discomfort went away. I felt better and I was happier. I could eat 2 pounds of rice and vegetables and feel completely fine afterwards. On the other hand, eating any amount of an animal-based product would make me feel ill, and the effects would linger into the next day. Again, I speak only for myself and out of my own experience of what I’ve personally gone through and noticed. Animal-based foods and artificial products are not good for my physical and psychological well-being.

It’s been 13 hours thus far. I feel completely fine transitioning into the afternoon without the consumption of food or water. I’ve been here many times before and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just another day.