2 Days; Hour 48

Automotive just isn’t for me anymore. With the month of August, I intended to work to make a little extra money on the side for when Grad starts again on the 28th. I worked at school for the months of June and July this year just so I can be away from home for a summer.

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I started working again yesterday. Every break and summer I had off from school, I would be here working on cars. I’ve been working in automotive since 2007. I haven’t worked here since last summer, and I don’t miss the work one bit. I’ve been saying to myself all day, “This just isn’t for me anymore.” I almost broke my nose after being forced in an awkward position to get a component loose. I hit the bone, heard a crack-like sound, and that was it. I took  few moments to massage the bridge of my nose with my fingers, and luckily nothing was broken or bruised. It hurt like hell. Now it only hurts when I make a face as if I just smelt something really bad. Thankfully, nothing serious happened.

Automotive is a great job to have while I’m still young and short of a job, but it will never be my career of choice, not anymore.

When I was younger, I enjoyed learning how things worked. I enjoyed taking things apart with my bare hands. Overtime, my body was starting to wear, and I said to myself that I wouldn’t be able to do this for the rest of my life.

As soon as I graduated with my bachelors in automotive business management, I went into grad school. I am working towards earning my masters in college student services administration.

I was an RA and a building administrator at my 4-year school. I enjoyed working with students. I enjoyed being able to provide them support, and to be the pair of ears they needed when no one else would listen. I enjoyed what I did because it allowed me to support students when they needed someone. I only wish I had someone that I could turn to when I needed them. I believe that that is part of the reason why I enjoy being a part of higher education. I believe that I am giving someone something I only wish I had, and that’s giving them someone to be there for them, myself.

The challenge was helping students realize their own realizations. I would never give them advice, unless they directly asked for it. I would listen to them, and ask the right questions at the right time so that they could formulate their own conclusions. I believe it’s the only way for them to grow and learn from their own experiences. Some days I will be straightforward and brutally honest, if I deem it necessary. Sometimes they just need to be pushed. I’ve seen many students grow over the course of their semesters. Many of which have come back to me to say their farewells before their graduation day. It’s a good feeling to know I’ve had an impact on someone’s life. I may never see most of them again, but in that moment of time when I had them, the time spent was well worth my efforts.

I’m glad to be who I am today. Although I’ve always believed that I had no one to turn to when I needed it most, it has all made me a stronger person. It makes me stronger in ways that allow me to bring others up when they are feeling down. Even though I still struggle with my own past, I can put it aside when someone else needs my attention.

It’s been 48 hours, and I feel fine. Even though I’ve been working my tail off these past 2 days fixing cars for 8 hours a day, I feel good. I feel better. However, I can’t keep this up, and I know that, not while fasting. I want one thing, which is to fast, but I also believe that I could use the extra money for when school starts. I have money for school, but I’d like to increase the amount of financial cushion I have for future in case of an emergency.

I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. I believe that fasting is more important for me at this moment in time, and it may be the only time that I have left to do it.

In The Hole

I was never a fan of being a part of the internet. I only just got back onto social media in January this year. My time on social media hasn’t been very long, and I am finding that it does not do anything for me. It doesn’t make me feel better about myself. It doesn’t add any real value to my life. It only makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong when everyone else seems to be having the time of their lives. It’s no wonder I left it all once before.

I understand that its easy to paint a picture on social media, to make it seem like I know or have everything figured out, but I don’t. I still deal with my own struggles and mistakes that nobody else will ever understand. Facebook and instagram only provide temporary relief.

I know how to get better, and I’ve always known what I needed to do. Technology and social media have been keeping me away from doing what I’ve been trying to do for nearly 3 years, and that’s becoming a better human being. Technology and social media cannot provide me the means that will make me a better person. It’s only a distraction, and it has always been at every point in my life.

Technology is not all at fault for my unhappiness. I blame myself for becoming too comfortable with the lifestyle I’ve been provided for all my life. My parents have always worked to provide for my family. All they asked was that we go to school and get good grades, and to do what we wanted to pursue in life. They have always given me a free pass to avoid doing everything I didn’t want to, and they are so quick to take any and every opportunity to provide me with something that I didn’t ask for. A lot of times I’ve said to them, “Don’t get it for me, I don’t want it.” I’ve given them a hard time a lot when I was younger. Looking back at how I was, I wish I could go back as me now and beat some sense into myself. I know my parents wouldn’t.

I’ve wished so many times that they were harder on me, but they can never be, simply because I’m their first child, and their son. I’ve sought out, difficult, hard labor jobs just to know what it was like to work hard. I used to cut open 50 pound bags of onions, dump them onto a conveyor belt, hand pick the bad ones, bag the good ones, and stack them onto palettes for shipping. I would do this for 6-8 hours a day. It’s very monotonous and physically tiring. All I wanted to do after work was go home, eat, and sleep. I’m not sure what this says about me, when I have the need to seek out this kind of work. Sitting at a desk does not count as work to me.

I’ve had a great opportunity in life, given by my parents, and I am unhappy that I’m struggling to find any sort of meaning behind everything I do. Not long ago, I thought I had meaning and purpose. I had people I cared about greatly, and I would have done anything for them. I ended up parting ways with both of them because I was pushed to the edge. I was pushed psychologically, and it was beginning to take a toll on my overall well-being. I felt like I couldn’t bear it any longer. By my own doing, I’ve hurt them both and myself. Even though I thought I was sparing them and myself the trouble, I’ve continued to suffer inside ever since. I was selfish. They were the only 2 persons I’ve ever cared about, and there’s nothing I can do to make things right again. Now, I have no one that will help me from myself.

All my life I’ve been the only one to dig myself out an emotional hole, and nothing has changed. Even with the two that I’ve lost, I was always the therapist, and not the patient. I do believe that everything I’m dealing with now, must be dealt with on my own. I believe it’s the only way to truly get out of what I’m dealing with, and for me to get better. Any support from others or distractions won’t alleviate a thing for me. It sounds bad, but I believe that any outside support would only be a temporary fix. Which is why I must endure and break this cycle of suffering on my own.

I’m disappointed that this is what life has become for me. An endless loop of self-defeating thoughts by the mistakes I’ve made at the fault of my own actions.

I’m in the hole, and I’ve only myself to blame.